Birds of a feather...

OK, so this is going to be a fairly short post, but I must say...after having JUST posted about the loneliness...what an AMAZING feeling when you meet a sister soul.  I have to give a shout out to what just might be a budding Femme Daddy that I met recently.  She fed my soul in a way I do not often get on this isolated path.  To hear my own thoughts mirrored so perfectly was intense.  I have met a few people here or there who understand somewhat my path and my thoughts...but very very rare is an understanding like that.

One interesting topic that came up during the conversation was the cross over between queer identity and gender identity.  I am going to ponder this one before I post anymore on the topic...but it will likely be my next post because part of the conversation between the two of us so closely mirrors a conversation I had with my boy when I was figuring out who I was that it brought tears to my eyes.

So here's to many more future interactions and finding more of our kind.

Strutting in high heels
Hard packing, short skirt, fish nets...
Perfectly at home.

Cheers,
Daddy Rose

One is the loneliest number...

I have found in some ways that being different equates to moments of loneliness.  Especially in the kink community I find our identity or roles sometimes delineates are acceptable interactions.  As a non submissive female, it is like the female energy is negated by not being on the same side of the flogger.  Aside from friends that I had before the transition to top land, I feel like I have suddenly become a 'them' to the majority of women in the community.  It is funny that now that I am coming into my own as a femme I feel isolated from women who don't understand the queer identity.  I found myself with a group of women the other day, but among them I was the only dominant.  I might as well have been from a different planet.  I 

So as a Daddy Domme, I also feel like I have to be 110% on all the time.  It is hard enough to be a female domme, but to self identify as Daddy means I have enveloped the male title and energy...I feel like because of the grossly misplaced double standard for gender especially in a dominant role, any slip up or sign of femininity is seen as a submissive trait or at the least 'less dominant'.  So I can be in a group full of dominants and feel so shut off from everyone.  

Sigh...it is funny.  For the first time I feel completely at home in my own skin.  I love who I have become and who I have surrounded myself with.  But outside of my small group, I feel like I have to stay aloof and somewhat standoffish in order to maintain my image, if that is in fact what I want to do.

I guess I just feel like the more I embrace my identity, the more lonely social situations become.  And that is just not me on the whole.

Who will approach me

Standing alone in a crowd

Love this Femme Daddy

Cheers,

Daddy Rose

Is it more "If you build it they will come" or "Marcooooo......Polo!" scenario

So over the course of the last couple weeks, my relationship has been put to the test...now mind you, it passed with flying colors...however, it has brought up an interesting point of debate.  Is a good D/s relationship like a game of Marco, Polo where you are seeking out a mate that fits your needs like a puzzle from the get go...or is it more like the slow masterful creation of a sculpture out of a lump of clay...obviously the ingredients blend together to make a cohesive unit, but it takes the interplay of the skilled hands of the master and the pliable nature of the clay to make a work of art.

I have seen big D types go through little s types like bridezilla might go through dresses in a bridal shop --too big, too small, not flashy enough, too gaudy, that one won't show off the girls, dear lord where did the rest of that one go...you start to wonder if after the 4th 'collared' submissive is released in nearly as many months if that big D wants the perfect match and is unwilling, incapable, or just doesn't know how to put the work in to create what they want.  However, I know this is the negative end of this view point.  I have seen people who seem to meet each other's needs from the get go.  It is quite a beautiful thing when it happens...one that I know nothing of.  HAH.

Which leads me to the concept of building something out of nothing...however, it really isn't out of nothing.  Every relationship has a foundation.  I can already tell you that certain character traits that I know our deeply rooted in the core of who I am make me much more suited for this path...for instance, my hopeless fascination with the idea of love at first sight...or my desire to see to the heart of people and truly bring out what is good and deserving and special...the whole diamond in the rough ideal.  So you find that one person that you just can't live with out...but then you realize awww, hell --as far as styles you are as opposite as you can be, at times you are communication retarded, and you can't find the words to describe your differences or your needs...all the sudden the perfect person is no longer so perfect and you become one of the people who start looking for that missing puzzle piece from the get go...This very scenario makes my heart sad.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  The beauty of this lifestyle lies in the opportunities to learn all these skills deemed necessary for a successful relationship in a nonthreatening environment with others doing the same thing.

I have added so many useful tools to my communication belt in my short couple years in the community.  How to navigate figuring out what you want vs what you need, determining the manner in which you give and receive love to determine if it is compatible, allowing the other person their emotions even when it hurts you to do so, realizing when it is about you vs when it is about them, understanding the benefit and the difference between personal growth and growth as a couple, learning to use phrases that they need to hear that gets the point across that you need to make, learning to do things for their continued presence in the relationship, and last in the last but not last in the grand scheme of things...taking time to reflect and remember what it is you fell in love with about that person and still love about that person AT LEAST once every single day.

I have to say, my boy and I have been together almost 3 years and Lord knows we were blissfully unaware of our differences for a while and it took intentional purposeful conversation and interchange to discover where we were and where we want to be, and where we have to head to get there.  But what a rewarding experience to go through together.  How much more beautiful the interchange when we both know the work it took to get there and the emotion behind each request or act or task.  To be a part of such growth and development and amazing energy is a true blessing...one that I simply cannot take for granted.  We are stronger and closer now than we have ever been, but only just beginning this journey to where we want to eventually be.

Cheers,
Daddy Rose

Tough love, mean Daddy

I have a love hate relationship with my nature as a Daddy...not really, I don't honestly think one can love/hate something that is intrinsic to their nature.  However, there are times I really like being a Daddy and there are times when it is just flat rough.

I like to make my loved ones happy, I appreciate spoiling those around me as often as I can.  I enjoy having nice things, going to fun places, seeing the smiles and knowing I had a part in bringing them about...

But sometimes things are not so easy.  Some lessons are best learned by a swift face plant into the asphalt and while my natural desire to protect and nurture would have me instinctively reach my arm out to prevent the fall it does nothing but prolong the agony of the actual lesson that comes from the fall.  If one does not know how bad it hurts to be careless or not pay attention to where one is going they will not heed all the warning signs in the future.  While this may be a lame excuse for an analogy it is very true.

Some submissives, and I would venture people in general, cannot learn from other people's mistakes or detours away from life's journey.  They must work through it on their own.  When your submissive is a boy who has only relatively recently hit puberty, those lessons are simultaneously harder to learn, harder to watch, and more painful to go through.  It is quite difficult to come to terms with a world that you are only starting to realize is not all about you but that you definitely have something to contribute to.  

So at the risk of my own feelings, emotional roller coaster, and pain response to watching someone learn hard lessons, here is to tough love and sticking to your guns and making it out the other side stronger.

Here is to the real joy and trial and reward of being a Daddy.

Cheers,

Daddy Rose

Playing with wolves...

Now you may think from the start of this that I will not actually get to the wolf part, but believe me I will.

Growing upMuch I wanted to be bare foot and preggo by 19.  I wanted to live out in the country and have a whole basketball team full of kids and a garden and have my friends over for tea.  Well, at 19 when I had never even been kissed, I changed my mind...technically at 18 I changed my mind.  Turns out I hadn't even been kissed, so being preggo that soon was out of the question and I didn't have anyone to rely on for that fairy tale so I decided to become a self sufficient woman who can stand on her own two feet and do what she damn well pleases.  There is a probably a tiny piece of me...this hopeless romantic quiet demure voice in the back of my head...that always hoped that some handsome suave gentleman would sweep me off my feet and I would have that childhood dream.  HAH.  The problem with that is in the process I loved who I became in a way.  I am wicked intelligent, well spoken, driven, and passionate.  I create plans, make lists, get things done.

So then I enter this wonderful world of BDSM and leather where I can have the career, be wicked intelligent, love my strength and...low and behold create this 1950s household, be a powerful submissive for this amazing intelligent dominant male and live happily ever after...maybe it is a tad more twisted than the original dream as it involves implements of torture, collars, sexual undertones, giving up some decisions...but I really thought I was ok with that.  So I honestly though that I could be an amazing submissive.  I am proactive in service, I honestly want to make the people I love happy.  I am observant and somewhat organized...my memory is quite impressive.  I note personal preferences as habit for those around me.  I cook, I can clean, I am awesome with kids....so where is the catch you say?

I found that submission has to be given the the right person.  For it to work with me that person has to be all in like me.  They can't have ridiculous rules like when in the house you have to be naked and crawling and leashed...unless it serves a purpose...for instance to get over body image issues.  I want someone who had a purpose in their lives other then general amusement...at least that had to be the majority rule.  So slowly over time I realized that the very qualities that would make me an awesome submissive would also make me an amazing Daddy domme.  Much easier to wrap my mind around all the rules when I create them.  Yes, it took time and yes it was a growth experience but it was worth it.

However, there is this teeny weenie problem...I am fuck all masochistic.  Pain is about strength, about perseverance, about conquering fear, about catharsis and emotional release, about passionate living, and about intense feelings and taking control of my body when I feel like other things around me are falling out.  So what does this mean when I give up bottoming regularly in the progression to Domme...I lose part of myself.  I wall it away and I start to question things.  I feel more pain and have less control over my body.  However, having been burned so many times I have lost the sincerity or naivety or whatever let me blindly submit until it was no longer earned rather than be cautious until it was earned...day to day living I need to be in charge.

So where does my pure desire to submit and serve and feel pain come out...why with playing with wolves of course.  Where I am reduced to primal instincts and forced to face fear head on...when it is taken down to a basic survival and procreate instinct.  The play is so much more intense, sexual, primal, self serving.  In a way I see myself as the female leader of the pack recognizing a mate strong enough to take me and giving in to desire.  I can justify overwhelming desire and the seemingly conflicting sides of my person when I put it in this format.  However, when I come out of the moment it is like my desires and wishes come crashing down in a wave of total conflict...not to mention that my primal soul is attracted to multiple wolves..confidence, blood lust, pure beast...if I recognize that behind your eyes the beast pours out of me.

Because the beast is primal and focused on self and very instinctual I sometimes miss the affect playing with multiple wolves may have on my mates...that territorial male protecting fierce energy comes to surface and the potential danger for real injury is there.  I am suddenly drawn into the possibility of conflict and forced submission and I am not sure as of yet what to do with that sensation.  Part of me breathes a sigh of relief to have quieted the beast for a bit.  Part of me wonders what would happen to live in the beast always.  Part of me just feels silly for trying to put voice to something so primal it has no voice...

So here is to playing with wolves and not getting torn limb from limb in the process...am I up for the challenge?

Cheers,
Daddy Rose

Eating my words and owning the bitch...

So suddenly when one gets the community ball rolling again it suddenly seems like being out experiencing real life is much more important than blogging and this is what has happened recently to me...

I have found that when I say I absolutely will not (fill in the blank)...that the powers that be make me eat my words.  I came in with strong beliefs that I thought would not waiver...thoughts on love, on play, on limits, on monogamy, on sex, on titles.  Yet, the minute I make the thought sound like an absolute something comes along to blow past it.  My boy and I constantly talk about 'making your cup bigger' and that has definitely happened lately.  We also talk about the importance of growth and not necessarily growing together but growing at a somewhat comparable rate so we never outgrow the other.

I will say that we went to South Plains Leather Festival and it was definitely journey altering.  I realized that whatever the title one chooses to claim, it is important to believe it, to own it for oneself.  I used to loathe the word bitch...I found it so derogatory and nasty.  However, the more dominant I become and the more ok I am with my dominance, the more and more that word gets thrown in my direction.  So I decided that I was going to stop fighting it.  If being a strong confident woman gets me called a bitch, then so be it.  If I stand up for what  I believe in in a direct straight forward one on one context and the person I am talking to can't hack it and calls me a bitch, then so be it.  If I rock having not one, but two leather boy pups in my pocket at a gay leather club and the jealous Daddies call me a lucky bitch, then so be it.  I like who I am...all of me...and if that makes me a bitch, then SO BE IT.  I can rock it.

And now for the highlights of the weekend (in no particular order and some to be fleshed out later)...

Meeting some beautiful people from across the pond and following them around to feed off their energy and accents, lol...totally shamelessly.  

Really beginning to understand the value of words and how they can unintentionally convey a completely different meaning than what is intended.

Learning that consciously deciding to make your relationship a spiritual pratice taps you into the greater energy and focuses the journey.

I have a thing for nerdy dirty talk and I could listen to slave Joshua say 'sexual skills' all day long...and yes, it would just do it for me.

Being confident enough to put yourself out there and be open to what comes pays off in a big way.

The boy looks amazing in latex...yeah, i know...Shocker.

Family is important...sometimes we don't always choose family, it chooses us, and that is totally ok.  I have expanded my inner circle exponentially and it feels amazing.

My boy has grown by leaps and bounds and has expressed a desire to be recuffed and earn back his collar as a slave...completely emotional roller coaster but so so proud of him.

Having confidence in your place in things speaks volumes and gains more respect from the community at large than what your actual place is.

Feminine leather power exists in many beautiful forms and I have been blessed to make connections to be able to watch that grow.

I can incorporate dancing into my kinks and it adds a dynamic that I absolutely love.

My heart, the energy at my very core...is leather...family, respect, structure, discipline, honor, and camaraderie.

Until next time...

Cheers,

Daddy Rose

The middle ground

So now that I have time to post and have gotten past defining the Rose colored glasses through which this blog is going to be written (giggles uncontrollably at the horribly nerdy pun), I have decided to write about yet another juxtaposition in my life...I honestly think I thrive on living in the gray areas.

Have you ever noticed how people's approach to life sometimes seems to be an all or nothing thing?  Like one can be realistic and practical or one can be a hopeless romantic and a dreamer.  I am sure there are various shades of gray represented in between, but you just don't heart about them all that often...or if you are like me and have some of both one or the other takes over depending on the situation and you feel torn in two.

If you were able to have just a glimpse into the home I grew up in as a kid, where I got my practical, no nonsense, analyze everything, go above and beyond in personal research, reserved approach to life would be painfully obvious.  I was so afraid to start dating someone when I was a teenager because someday if I ever got married I would have to kiss them in front of my mother...yes it was that awkward to display or admit to any emotion other than stoic.

I am not sure I can even tell you where the hopeless romantic came from.  To some extent, I know my dad is one...and my brother...but me?  I think people have an innate desire to have all of their dreams come true and it is only through painful, growth causing life experiences that we get that desire squashed out of us...but true hopeless romantics...that doesn't really happen.  They get knocked down and get right back up and try again.  I have had my heart broken twice...and they are not the events that most people expect...but I think if possible I came back more determined to go at it again.  Doesn't make any sense.  Call me a glutton for punishment...or I am in fact a hopeless romantic.  =) But truthfully it pays off, because right now I feel like I have everything a girl could ever want and more...and it was because I wasn't willing to give up on my dreams or fail to see them through.

So when the two collide what happens...It goes one of two ways...my head takes over or my heart takes over. Lately there have been issues come up in my leather life that I can only get one or the other to wrap around...for instance, my boy has asked for certain things that up until this point have only been done with me.  I can wrap my head around how those things might be enjoyable and how they do not detract from the fact that he loves me...but then my heart tightens and I feel sick at my stomach because dammit he is mine, I have worked hard to catch him, and I am damn well going to keep him.  I know this is silly and there is no founded reason but until my heart jumps on board I cannot allow certain requests...but then, like now, I find myself where the flip side is true and I cannot for the life of me figure out which is the lesser of two evils.

I have happened upon a situation where it just feels good.  I don't know if it was a right place, right time or the natural progression of things.  It is something we have talked about as being a goal of ours.  All I know is that my heart and body feel in alignment and 100% all in...but then there is the tiniest nagging feeling in my brain that continues to hold onto my narrow naive realistic vanilla world viewpoint and it makes it hard to take that last step and just let it be.  It is like if I haven't analyzed it to death then it couldn't possibly be fool proof.

But the funny thing is...first of all, nothing is fool proof.  Second, the things in my life that are going most smoothly, make me the happiest, actually enhance and enrich my life, give me something to look forward to...they are all times my heart has taken the lead.  What does that tell you?  Possibly in my world being a hopeless romantic isn't such a bad thing...

Yet again the juxtaposition lives on...

Cheers,

Daddy Rose