Now you may think from the start of this that I will not actually get to the wolf part, but believe me I will.
Growing upMuch I wanted to be bare foot and preggo by 19. I wanted to live out in the country and have a whole basketball team full of kids and a garden and have my friends over for tea. Well, at 19 when I had never even been kissed, I changed my mind...technically at 18 I changed my mind. Turns out I hadn't even been kissed, so being preggo that soon was out of the question and I didn't have anyone to rely on for that fairy tale so I decided to become a self sufficient woman who can stand on her own two feet and do what she damn well pleases. There is a probably a tiny piece of me...this hopeless romantic quiet demure voice in the back of my head...that always hoped that some handsome suave gentleman would sweep me off my feet and I would have that childhood dream. HAH. The problem with that is in the process I loved who I became in a way. I am wicked intelligent, well spoken, driven, and passionate. I create plans, make lists, get things done.
So then I enter this wonderful world of BDSM and leather where I can have the career, be wicked intelligent, love my strength and...low and behold create this 1950s household, be a powerful submissive for this amazing intelligent dominant male and live happily ever after...maybe it is a tad more twisted than the original dream as it involves implements of torture, collars, sexual undertones, giving up some decisions...but I really thought I was ok with that. So I honestly though that I could be an amazing submissive. I am proactive in service, I honestly want to make the people I love happy. I am observant and somewhat organized...my memory is quite impressive. I note personal preferences as habit for those around me. I cook, I can clean, I am awesome with kids....so where is the catch you say?
I found that submission has to be given the the right person. For it to work with me that person has to be all in like me. They can't have ridiculous rules like when in the house you have to be naked and crawling and leashed...unless it serves a purpose...for instance to get over body image issues. I want someone who had a purpose in their lives other then general amusement...at least that had to be the majority rule. So slowly over time I realized that the very qualities that would make me an awesome submissive would also make me an amazing Daddy domme. Much easier to wrap my mind around all the rules when I create them. Yes, it took time and yes it was a growth experience but it was worth it.
However, there is this teeny weenie problem...I am fuck all masochistic. Pain is about strength, about perseverance, about conquering fear, about catharsis and emotional release, about passionate living, and about intense feelings and taking control of my body when I feel like other things around me are falling out. So what does this mean when I give up bottoming regularly in the progression to Domme...I lose part of myself. I wall it away and I start to question things. I feel more pain and have less control over my body. However, having been burned so many times I have lost the sincerity or naivety or whatever let me blindly submit until it was no longer earned rather than be cautious until it was earned...day to day living I need to be in charge.
So where does my pure desire to submit and serve and feel pain come out...why with playing with wolves of course. Where I am reduced to primal instincts and forced to face fear head on...when it is taken down to a basic survival and procreate instinct. The play is so much more intense, sexual, primal, self serving. In a way I see myself as the female leader of the pack recognizing a mate strong enough to take me and giving in to desire. I can justify overwhelming desire and the seemingly conflicting sides of my person when I put it in this format. However, when I come out of the moment it is like my desires and wishes come crashing down in a wave of total conflict...not to mention that my primal soul is attracted to multiple wolves..confidence, blood lust, pure beast...if I recognize that behind your eyes the beast pours out of me.
Because the beast is primal and focused on self and very instinctual I sometimes miss the affect playing with multiple wolves may have on my mates...that territorial male protecting fierce energy comes to surface and the potential danger for real injury is there. I am suddenly drawn into the possibility of conflict and forced submission and I am not sure as of yet what to do with that sensation. Part of me breathes a sigh of relief to have quieted the beast for a bit. Part of me wonders what would happen to live in the beast always. Part of me just feels silly for trying to put voice to something so primal it has no voice...
So here is to playing with wolves and not getting torn limb from limb in the process...am I up for the challenge?
Cheers,
Daddy Rose
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