Have you ever noticed how people's approach to life sometimes seems to be an all or nothing thing? Like one can be realistic and practical or one can be a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. I am sure there are various shades of gray represented in between, but you just don't heart about them all that often...or if you are like me and have some of both one or the other takes over depending on the situation and you feel torn in two.
If you were able to have just a glimpse into the home I grew up in as a kid, where I got my practical, no nonsense, analyze everything, go above and beyond in personal research, reserved approach to life would be painfully obvious. I was so afraid to start dating someone when I was a teenager because someday if I ever got married I would have to kiss them in front of my mother...yes it was that awkward to display or admit to any emotion other than stoic.
I am not sure I can even tell you where the hopeless romantic came from. To some extent, I know my dad is one...and my brother...but me? I think people have an innate desire to have all of their dreams come true and it is only through painful, growth causing life experiences that we get that desire squashed out of us...but true hopeless romantics...that doesn't really happen. They get knocked down and get right back up and try again. I have had my heart broken twice...and they are not the events that most people expect...but I think if possible I came back more determined to go at it again. Doesn't make any sense. Call me a glutton for punishment...or I am in fact a hopeless romantic. =) But truthfully it pays off, because right now I feel like I have everything a girl could ever want and more...and it was because I wasn't willing to give up on my dreams or fail to see them through.
So when the two collide what happens...It goes one of two ways...my head takes over or my heart takes over. Lately there have been issues come up in my leather life that I can only get one or the other to wrap around...for instance, my boy has asked for certain things that up until this point have only been done with me. I can wrap my head around how those things might be enjoyable and how they do not detract from the fact that he loves me...but then my heart tightens and I feel sick at my stomach because dammit he is mine, I have worked hard to catch him, and I am damn well going to keep him. I know this is silly and there is no founded reason but until my heart jumps on board I cannot allow certain requests...but then, like now, I find myself where the flip side is true and I cannot for the life of me figure out which is the lesser of two evils.
I have happened upon a situation where it just feels good. I don't know if it was a right place, right time or the natural progression of things. It is something we have talked about as being a goal of ours. All I know is that my heart and body feel in alignment and 100% all in...but then there is the tiniest nagging feeling in my brain that continues to hold onto my narrow naive realistic vanilla world viewpoint and it makes it hard to take that last step and just let it be. It is like if I haven't analyzed it to death then it couldn't possibly be fool proof.
But the funny thing is...first of all, nothing is fool proof. Second, the things in my life that are going most smoothly, make me the happiest, actually enhance and enrich my life, give me something to look forward to...they are all times my heart has taken the lead. What does that tell you? Possibly in my world being a hopeless romantic isn't such a bad thing...
Yet again the juxtaposition lives on...
Cheers,
Daddy Rose
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